[ whines ]
- [ Pants, whimpers ] - Go get 'em, Petey!
[ Petey Barking ]
- [ Groans ] - Petey! what's up, pup?
[ Groans ]
- [ Boys Shouting ] - [ Boy ] Get it, Stymie, get it!
[ Barking ]
- [ Boy ] Hey, where's your mitt? - [ Stymie ] Don't worry about it.
All right! Good catch!
[ Barking ]
## [ ''The Little Rascals Theme'' ]
[ Barking ]
- [ Barking ] - Hello, Petey.
[ Barks ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
[ whines ]
[ Raspy Voice ] Be back later, Mom!
[ Barks ]
- Got anything, Porky? - Not a bite, Buckwheat.
Hmm.
[ Grunting ]
- l got something! l got something! - Me too! A big fat one!
[ Both Grunting ]
whoa!
- whoo! - [ Grunting ]
whoa!
- Yo, Petey, come here! - [ Barks ]
- Thanks, Petey! - whoa!
- [ Grunting ] - Hey, Porky, look! A note.
what's it say?
we gotta learn to read.
[ Barking ]
## [ ''The Little Rascals Theme'' Continues ]
[ All Shouting ]
[ Shouting, Talking ]
[ Raspy Voice ] You're okay.
You're all right.
Go on in. You're okay.
Go on in. what's the ''high'' sign?
Go on in.
You're okay. wrong sign, Porky.
Okay, go on in.
- [ Squeaking ] - You're okay, Elmer.
[ Blowing Raspberry ]
[ Boy ] You little creep.
[ Talking, Shouting ]
[ lndistinct Chatter ]
Sit down!
Gentlemen and gentlemen, l give you our president, Spanky.
- [ Rascals Cheering, Shouting ] - Hi, Spanky!
- [ Cheering, Applauding ] - How's it goin', Spanky?
Nice to see ya, Spanky.
- Hey, Spanky, what's up? - How are ya?
- Good to see ya. - [ Cheering, Applauding Continue ]
- Your fly's undone. - [ Gasps ]
- welcome! - All right, Spanky!
- Hey, Spanky! - All raise your right hand.
[ whines ]
Your other right hand.
- l... - [ Together ] l...
- Stymie... - [ Rascals ] Stymie...
member in good standing of the He-Man woman-Haters Club...
[ Together ] member in good standing of the He-Man...
- [ Chittering ] - woman-Haters Club...
do solemnly swear to be a He-Man and hate women and not play with them...
or talk to them unless l have to, and especially never fall in love.
lf l do, may l die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours...
- or until l scream bloody murder. - [ lnhaling Deeply ]
- do solemnly swear to be a He-Man... - [ All Reciting, lndistinct ]
[ lndistinct Reciting Continues ]
- You thinkin' what l'm thinkin', woim? - Yeah, Butch.
what are we thinkin'?
[ Butch ] How much fun it's gonna be to stomp those guys in the race.
- painfully... and suffer for hours... - [ Reciting Continues ]
[ Spanky And Rascals ] ...bloody murder!
-Ready to take down the minutes, Uh-Huh? -Uh-huh.
As you know, today l called...
an emergency meeting for a very important reason.
But first, any good stories?
- [ Rascals Shouting ] Me! - Buckwheat.
- Yeah! This morning my sister left the toilet seat down. - [ Rascals ] Eww!
- women make men miserable. - Froggy.
- Yeah, there's this girl who moved in across the street... - Eww!
- and she came over 'cause she wanted to play. - Eww!
- But don't worry, l got back at her. - [ Rascals ] what'd you do?
- what'd you do? - [ whines ] l whipped out my lizard.
Hmmph!
[ Rascals Applauding ] Yea!
Good job, Frogman.
- Are you gettin' this, Uh-Huh? - Uh-huh.
All right, men, let's talk about the pride of our club, the Blur.
The Blur has never been beaten...
since the beginning of time, five years.
This Sunday, we defend our honor...
- our undefeated streak and our trophy. - [ Rascals Cheering ]
Best of all, this year's trophy...
will be presented by none other than the famous...
lndy race car driver...
A.J. Ferguson.
- wow! He's the best driver in the whole world! - [ Rascals Cheering, Applauding ]
- Men, can l have an ''Azuga''? - [ Rascals Chanting ] Azuga!
[ Rascals ] Azuga! Azuga! Azuga! Azuga!
- Hey, nice Azugas. - [ Cheering ]
And now the reason for the emergency meeting:
the choosing of the driver!
- Yea! - [ Petey Barking ]
Our driver should be a man who's all He-Man.
A He-Man so manly...
that if he fell off a building, he'd go out of his way to land on a girl.
- [ Rascals Laughing ] - Gentlemen, this year...
our driver's name is...
- [ Rascals Gasping ] - none other than my lifelong chum...
- my best buddy in the whole wide world... - [ Elmer Squeaks ]
the one and only Alfalfa!
- Yea! - Otay! - [ Barks ]
Say... where the heck is Alfalfa?
[ Low Murmuring ]
## [ Piano ]
# You are so beautiful #
# To me #
# Can't you see #
[ Voice Cracking ] # You're everything l hope for #
[ Voice Cracking ] # You're everything l need #
# You are so beautiful #
# To me-eeee ##
- [ Spanky ] There he is, you guys! Come on! - He's with a girl.
- [ Growls ] - [ Spanky ] Quiet, Petey.
- [ Stymie ] They're together. - [ Spanky ] Oh, no!
[ Porky ] This is awful.
Buckwheat, hand me your fishin' pole.
Oh, Darla, we're two hearts with but one beat.
Two brains with but one thought.
Two souls with but one...
shoe.
Then how can you belong to that silly woman-Haters Club?
You know, l'm a woman.
- Sort of. - Let me tell ya something, Darla.
l'm not like those guys.
l'm a sensitive male.
- Eww! - [ Alfalfa ] l'm into sharing, caring...
feeling and healing.
- l'm in touch with my feminine side. - How nice.
lt's worse than l thought.
You know, the big talent show at the fair is coming up...
and l was wondering if maybe you'd like to sing with me.
You mean it? l'd be honored.
Hey, l've got an idea. Let me take you on a picnic tomorrow.
- Excuse me? - The way you feed my soul...
l can...
feed your face.
[ Darla ] Cool! And to prove you're proud of me...
why don't we have our picnic in your clubhouse?
No!
Tomorrow? Tomorrow?
Swimming day. Sure!
Oh, Alfalfa!
- You're a sweetie poo! - Blech!
- [ Giggles ] - [ Groans ]
- All right, woim, ready for the test run? - Ready, Butch!
- [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Screaming ]
- Look! There goes our bumper! - [ whimpers ]
[ whimpering ]
All this work for nothing.
[ Screaming ]
[ Both Screaming ]
Everything's workin' out perfectly.
The guys are at the swimming hole, and l'm at home with a toothache.
- Nothing can possibly go wrong. - [ Screaming ]
- [ Engine Backfires ]
- Hiya, Butch. - Shut up!
when's the last time we beat you up?
Let's see. Today's the 10th.
Thirty days hath September, April, June and November.
lt's not a leap year.
- Y-Yesterday. - You're due!
Look!
- l don't see nothin'! - Come on, you doink!
[ Butch ] Let's go! He can't run very fast.
- Come back here, you ugly little squid! - [ Screaming ] No!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! whoa! whoa!
- [ Spray Gun Hissing ] - whoa!
- Aah! Help! whoa! - [ Van Horn Honking ]
Yech!
[ Panting ]
[ Coughs ] l've come a-courtin'.
- [ Giggling ] - These are for you.
- [ Barking ] - [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming Continues ] - Fifi!
Good doggie.
l hope Fifi didn't startle you. She's so playful.
Forgive my effrontery...
but you, miss, are a rare rose in a garden of weeds.
You have the sophistication of a woman of 12.
[ Gasps ]
My name is waldo Aloysius Johnston lll.
- l'm Alfalfa! - Yes, l'm sure you are.
- And l'm Darla. - we just moved into town.
My father bought the oil refinery.
- That explains why you're so refined. - Yeah, and so oily!
watch it, bud.
- [ Tittering ] - l hope to see you again soon.
That could be arranged. l'll be appearing in the talent show.
Yeah, the two of us...
will both be singing a duet... together.
- How redundant. - Thank you.
well, l shall be going now.
- whoa! - [ Giggling ]
what a hunk!
He's smoother than a baby's bottom.
[ Darla ] And he smells better too!
Oh, you're so nice for bringing me here.
- l can't see. - Move over.
[ Gasps ] A candlelit lunch! l'm dazzled.
- [ Flatulent Sound ] - [ Gasps ]
- [ Flatulent Sound Continues ] - [ Nervous Giggle ] Excuse me.
- l seem to have a little... fahrvergnugen. - [ Flatulent Sound ]
Uh... no problem.
- Grape soda? - Yes, please.
[ Giggling ]
To us.
Mmm.
- [ Both Spitting ] - Ugh!
- Ugh. - This tastes like somebody...
poured it through a old boot.
Actually, it's a sneaker.
[ Rascals Giggling ]
Must've been a bad year.
[ Snickering ]
[ Alfalfa Clears Throat ] Maybe we should strap on the old feed bag.
- [ Darla ] which sandwich did l bring? - This one.
why don't we swap? what's yours is mine...
and what's mine is ours.
You know just what to say to take a girl's breath away.
This'll take her breath away.
[ Crunching Noise ]
- [ Crunching ] - [ Groans ]
Porky, you sure know how to make a ''sand wich.''
That wasn't sand. That was kitty litter.
Don't worry, it's pretty fresh. [ Snickering ]
[ Crunching ]
You made a delicious sandwich.
- So did you. - [ Giggling ]
Very crunchy.
[ Gulp ] Maybe we should move on to... dessert.
[ Crunch ]
lt's a surprise.
lt's beautiful!
l had to eat six boxes of Cracker Jacks to find it.
lt's a symbol of my undying affliction for you.
l love diamonds!
[ Gasps, Giggles ]
- [ Chittering ] - [ Panting ]
l was wrong about you. You're not embarrassed by the woman you love.
[ Sighs ] Darla...
would you think me forward if l asked you for a...
[ Clears Throat ] a big wet one?
- what? - A kiss?
Okay.
[ Gasps ]
[ Spanky ] Oh, man! Gross!
- l can't take it anymore. - Get outta there!
Open up!
- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - why, thank you, Alfalfa.
[ Spanky ] Alfalfa, open this door!
- Open up! - ln my hurry to eat, l forgot to give you the tour.
Here's the wall, here's the other wall and...
here's our closet.
- Have you lost your mind? - Do you wanna go in there?
- Just as l thought. You are ashamed of me. - l'm not ashamed of you.
- l'm proud of you. l just don't want anybody to see you. - [ Spanky ] Open up!
- well, that does it, mister. l'm out of here! - [ Spanky ] ...two...
three!
- [ Door Creaking ] - lt's about time.
Hiya, guys! You're back early.
How's the toothache, bub?
- [ Rascals ] Yeah! - Dentist pulled my wisdom teeth.
So that explains why you're acting so stupid.
well, we're going inside.
No, you're not! lt's such a nice day outside, isn't it?
Nothin's going on in there.
- Hey, what's that noise? - [ Gasps ] whoa!
[ Huge Gasp ]
Darla!
- [ Moaning ] - [ Rascals ] Fire! Fire!
- You two, call the fire department. - Yes, sir!
[ Shouting, Screaming ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Siren Blaring ]
[ Spanky ] Ready! Fire!
[ Stymie ] we're gonna need some more help. Get more people.
[ Shouting, Talking ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Stymie ] Put some more in the bucket.
[ Rascals Shouting ]
[ Shouting Continues ]
Quick! what's the number for 9-1-1?
How do l know?
Let's go!
[ Operator ] lf you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
[ Shouting ]
[ Chittering ]
- Here's the hose. Turn it on when l tell you. - Uh-huh.
[ Alarm Ringing ]
- [ Alarm Ringing ] - Spanky, over here!
[ Alarm Continues Ringing ]
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Faster! Go even faster!
wow! That is fast.
Hey, beat it, pal!
Stymie, let 'er rip!
whoa!
- wow! - whoa!
- [ Screams ] - whoa!
whoa!
l'm never gonna speak to you as long as l live.
Tell him when he comes to, guys.
Good-bye! Excuse me!
Hi, Darla. l thought that was you.
- How about a ride in my father's Bentley? - Bye!
And then, over a Belgian croissant...
we might talk about performing in the talent show together.
Sounds great! l had a hard day.
[ Spanky ] The clubhouse is fried crispy.
Our lives are over.
And it's all your fault!
[ Moans ]
- [ Spanky ] That's right. - [ Stymie ] lt sure is.
[ lndistinct Chatter ]
[ Froggy ] All rise for Judge Spanky.
[ whines ]
-l think Spanky's gonna find him guilty. -[ Sighs ]
- [ Gavel Pounding ] - How do you plead?
Like this.
Please, oh, please, have mercy, please!
Hmm! Pretty good pleading.
Hmmm. would you like to make a statement?
Just that...
l never knew likin' a girl could lead to all this.
- Mm-mm-mm. - l let my pals down, l let the club down...
and l let my best friend down.
Alfalfa Switzer, l hereby sentence you...
to execution... at dawn!
- Yes! - Uh-huh! - [ Barks ]
- [ whimpers ] - Your Honor, may l suggest...
this court rules he be put on probation.
As terms of the probation, he alone will be responsible for guarding the go-cart.
Day and night.
- Uh, uh-- - [ Gavel Pounding ]
- Court agrees. - Ya mean ya want me to spend the night here?
- All alone? Out in the open? - [ Giggling ] - [ Yawning ]
- well, what about the wild dingoes? - Deal with it.
As another term of his probation...
that he may never again talk to, see or even think about Darla...
or else. [ Slitting Sound ]
- [ Groans ] - [ Rascals ] Yeah!
And l'm makin' it my own personal business to see that you don't.
[ Rascal ] Yeah! All right!
Oh!
[ Rascals Murmuring ]
[ Thunderclap ]
[ Alfalfa ] You are so beautiful to me.
l love you, Alfalfa.
l want to die in your arms.
- You do? - Of course, not right away.
- March! March! - l'm off to join Sir Spankus.
How's the toothache, bub?
But you're my boy-toy! l won't let you go!
- You must choose between us. - Uh... uh...
- Yeah, you must choose between us. - Sir Alfalfa, haul butt!
Maybe this will help you make up your mind.
- [ Thunderclap ] - [ All Screaming ]
[ Snarling ]
- Tell me you'll never leave me. - l'll never leave you.
That's it, traitor! we must slay you...
before your forbidden love...
destroys our manly bond.
Choose or die! Choose or die!
[ whimpering ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Screaming ]
- [ Rascals Talking, Laughing ] - Ease up, pal.
- lt's just us. - we came to keep you company.
[ Rascals ] Yeah.
well, why am l soakin' wet?
Don't worry, Alfalfa. l used to have the same problem.
- [ Rascals Guffawing ] - There's just a hole in the tent.
- [ Laughing ] - whoo!
- [ Thunderclap ] - [ Screaming ]
[ Elmer Chittering ]
- You're not thinking about Darla, are ya? - No, of course not.
Good!
l wonder if she's not thinking of me too.
- why are boys such jerks? - [ Giggling ]
You're not thinking about Alfalfa, are you?
Oh, no, no, no, no way!
[ Together ] Are you sure?
[ Giggling ]
Babes are like a bad song!
Once you get 'em stuck in your head, you can't get 'em out again.
- [ Thunderclap ] - [ Screaming ]
[ Screaming ]
- why do they have to be so... - Different?
- Hmmm! - Girls get along with each other.
Boys stand up for themselves.
- Girls care. - Boys take what's theirs.
Boys won't listen.
All they wanna do is talk.
- [ Together ] They like to moon ya. - No, we don't!
- [ Thunderclap ] - [ Screaming ]
- Gigglin' and gossipin'. - Fighting and farting!
- Barbies and bracelets. - Boogers and bugs!
- lce skating. - Bungee jumping.
- Synchronized swimming. - [ Laughing ]
And try to get 'em to sit still.
Boys! Ugh!
[ Together ] Girls! Ugh!
- And the worst thing of all... - They smell... - weird!
- [ Thunderclap ] - [ Screaming ]
Howdy, mister.
- Me and my buddies have to build a new clubhouse. - we need to buy some lumber.
- what kind? - wood!
- # Short people got nobody # - we took up a collection.
Give us all the wood you can for this much, please.
# Short people got no reason to live #
# They got little hands #
# Little eyes #
- # They walk around tellin' great big lies # - Paper or plastic?
# They got little noses and tiny little teeth #
# They wear platform shoes on their nasty little feet #
$450 for lumber?
where are we gonna get that kind of moola?
l don't know. You know what they say.
- wood doesn't grow on trees. - # Don't want no short people #
- # 'Round here # - Hey, you guys, come 'ere!
[ Rascal ] what's going on? what's up?
All in favor say, ''Yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy!''
[ Together ] Yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy...
Thank you, my good man.
Six kids, hardworking father, honest and trustworthy.
Loan... denied.
Hello, my good man.
Gentlemen, uh, have a seat.
- [ whispering ] Can we sit down? - Are you kidding?
we can't sit down, my good man.
- what may l do for you? - we wanna take out a hefty loan.
- Of course. Do you have an account with us? - And how!
And what is your account--
- Number? - Uh, seven.
Seven?
Seven...?
- Try eight. - Eight?
Heard enough.
- [ Snap, Snap ] - Ouch!
lf you were my kids, l'd punish you!
lf we were your kids, we'd punish ourselves!
Leave the premises posthaste!
You can't treat people this way, mister.
You're not people. You're kids.
[ lndistinct Chatter ]
Thank you.
Good luck.
She loves me. She loves me not.
She loves me!
You guys don't know what you're talkin' about.
l have to see her!
[ Buckwheat ] But that's a violation of your probation.
l know! l'll write a message, and you two can take it to her.
wait a second! we're He-Man woman-Haters. we can't deliver love notes.
Love note? No! This is gonna be a hate note.
[ Together ] Sounds good to me!
Dear Darla: l hate your stinkin' guts!
- [ Gasps ] - You make me vomit.
[ Laughing ]
You're scum between my... toes.
Love, Alfalfa.
[ Together ] Otay!
what's up, guys?
[ Sniffles, Hiccups ] Buckwheat, where's the note?
Note, note.
l know l got it here somewhere.
- Come on, guys. - [ Sniffles ] we'll find it.
- l'm waiting. - [ Porky Sneezes ]
[ Blowing Nose ]
l know! l gave it to you.
Uh-oh!
- what's going on? - lt's otay. l remember what it said.
''Dear Darla:
''l hate your stinkin' guts.
- [ Gasps ] - ''You make me vomit.
- Hmmph! - ''You are scum between my toes.
- Oh! - Love, Alfalfa.''
- [ Gasps ] - [ Giggles ]
- [ Growls ] - [ Together ] whoa!
well, yeah... but was she upset?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm!
Oh! l have to go to her house and explain what happened.
Forget it, pal!
Number one, she's not home 'cause she has a ballet recital.
Number two-- what was number two?
[ whispering ]
No! Not that! The other number two.
Spanky said you couldn't talk to her.
what? l can talk to Darla anytime l want.
Spanky's not the boss of me!
Hiya, pal!
Oh, no!
[ Laughing ]
Trust me, this is for your own good.
After you dump her, you'll feel like a new man.
But... l like the feel of the old man.
Hello. Hello, enjoy the show.
who are you with?
l'm with him, and we need to talk to Darla.
That's out of the question. She's about to go onstage.
Now clear the door. Go on.
Too bad. well, let's go!
Hold it, partner. we're waiting right here 'til Darla comes out.
Oh, man!
- whoops! - [ Giggling ]
This'll be like stealing candy from a baby.
- [ Giggling ] - Oh, boy.
Come on.
[ Duck Quacking ]
- [ Snoring ] - [ Quacking Continues ]
[ Quacking ]
[ Quacking Continues ]
Hey, look! A dollar!
[ Quacking ]
[ Porky ] Ducky, ducky!
Yoo-hoo, Mister Ducky, ducky! Ducky!
Ducky! Ducky, ducky!
Ducky! Come here, ducky!
- Ducky! - Nothing beats a buck and a duck.
- [ Duck Quacking ] - [ Porky ] Hey, ya dumb duck, wait up!
Hmm. what's this?
- [ whimpering ] - [ whimpering ]
[ Butch ] Oh, no, not pickles! Oh, yuck!
# we got a dollar we got a dollar #
# we got a dollar Hey, hey, hey, hey #
# we got a dollar we got a dollar #
# we got a dollar Hey, hey, hey, hey #
l'm bored.
- Ta-da! - [ Croaking ]
Gee, thanks!
Uh-oh, Butch and woim! Put that thing in your pocket and let's bail!
Hey, there they are.
- [ Girls Screaming ] - whoops!
Let's go!
- [ Girls Screaming ] - [ Together ] whoops!
Shh!
[ Falsetto ] Hiya, big boys!
woof, woof!
- Ditto! - Say...
you two chicklets see a couple of ugly mugs who ran in here?
- You mean, besides you? - [ Laughing ]
l think they went in there.
Thanks, doll face.
Bye.
One, two, three!
[ Screaming, Panting ] what are you doing?
- You two do not belong here. - [ Groaning ]
- l shall escort you to the door. - [ Butch And woim Yelling ]
Stop this! Please, you're hurting me!
- Let go of me! - [ Spanky ] This tutu's killin' me.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
[ Gasps ]
- Hi. - Hi!
- Are you a fairy? - No! - Uh-uh!
- You know, a sugarplum fairy. - Oh, well, yes, of course.
[ Frog Croaking ]
-what's the matter? -Oh, she must have a frog in her throat.
l'm so nervous l'm sweating like a pig.
lt must be... the recital.
Come here.
- Here's my hanky. - Gee, thanks!
[ Girls Giggling ]
No, that's all right. You keep it.
l'm nervous too. waldo's gonna be here.
- waldo's Darla's boyfriend. - [ Moans ]
- Do you have boyfriends? - [ Together ] No!
No, of course not. Uh...
But there is one boy l'd really love to get to know.
His name is Alfalfa.
- what a physique! - Are you crazy?
l used to know Alfalfa. He took the best years of my life.
Same here! That ugly scud led me on as if he cared...
then dropped me like a hot tamale.
Plus, you know what?
- [ Together ] No, what? - l hear he dresses in girls clothes.
[ All Gasp ]
l don't miss him at all, except...
his voice.
when he sings, he makes me melt like a popsicle on the Fourth of July.
He is awfully romantical.
well, it was lovely chatting, but we really gotta go.
Bye!
All right, girls, it's time to take your positions!
- [ lndistinct Chatter ] - lt's show time!
Come on now, honey.
- Spanky, what are we doing? - [ Audience Applauding ]
- [ Applause Continues ] - And now scenes from...
- The Nutcracker. - [ Both Gasp ] - [ Ribbet ]
## [ ''The Nutcracker Suite'' ]
- And two and three.
[ Croaking ]
- Get rid of it. - [ Croaks ]
- [ Gasps ]
[ whimpering ]
- Come here, hold my hand. - Are you nuts?
- [ Groans ] - [ Croaks ]
- [ whimpers ]
- [ Groans ] - [ Laughs ]
[ Audience Gasping ]
- [ Croaks ] - [ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ]
- [ Groans, Gasps ] - [ Croaking ]
- [ Gasps ] - [ whispers ] Get off!
[ Laughing ]
[ Audience Laughing ]
- Get! - [ Blowing Raspberry ]
- [ Gasps, Laughs ] - Ohh!
- [ Raspberry ] - [ Croaks ]
Let's get outta here!
- Good thing l finally caught that frog. - Yeah.
- Now all you gotta worry about is warts. - [ Croaking ]
[ Screaming ]
- [ Croaking ] - whoo!
You ruined my recital! where's-- Oh!
- Come on out of there, young lady. - Aw, nah, nah!
l wouldn't open that, if l was you.
Oh! Oh.
well, this is a professional school of ballet.
Now get out and do not come back.
- [ Croaking ] - [ Screams ]
[ Both Gasp ]
l'll distract 'em while you make a getaway.
- Thanks, Spanky. You sure are a pal. - Think nothin' of it.
Hello again, you stud muffins. Goin' my way?
Gee, we'd love to, but we're waitin' around...
to beat the shorts off a couple of twerps.
Your loss, baby. # Doo dee-doo dee-doo #
- Got a burger to go with that shake? - # Doo dee-doo #
[ Gasps ]
Aaah!
- That's him! - [ Gasps ]
- [ Spanky whimpering ] - Come back here, you ugly little freak!
And stay out!
[ Panting ]
[ whimpering ]
Things couldn't possibly get any worse.
Oh! Then the clouds opened up and God said...
''l hate you, Alfalfa.''
Nice tan. Any last words?
Yeah. Uh... see ya!
[ whimpering ]
- Hey! - [ Butch And woim Grunting ]
[ woman ] No, you don't!
Ooh! Ow!
l'll let myself out. Thank you.
- well, you'd better. - [ whimpering ]
[ Groaning ] He lucked out!
- [ whimpering ] - [ Barking ]
- [ Yelling ] - [ Barking ]
- Alfalfa! - [ Chuckling ]
This is a side of you l've never seen before. [ Giggling ]
- Darla! - [ Laughing ]
Darla, there's a perfectly logical explanation for this.
[ Barking, Snarling ]
- which l'll make up later. - [ Snarling ]
- [ Alfalfa whimpering, Dog Barking ] - [ Laughing ]
- Do you like pickles? - l think they stink.
[ Loud Crunch ]
l love pickles.
- My mother makes me eat 'em. - l'm crazy about 'em.
l'll sell you my pickle for a nickel.
How about two cents?
Otay.
# l have two pickles l have two pickles #
# l have two pickles today Hey-hey #
# A-doo-dah-ding way-da-mo-wang-bing #
# Because l get two pickles today, today ##
- Rough day? - Don't ask.
- [ Footsteps Running ] - Are these kosher?
## [ Marching Band Plays Fanfare ]
## [ ''Colonel Bogey March'' ]
[ Together ] # we are He-Man woman Haters #
# we feed girls to alligators #
# The clubhouse burned down mighty low #
# But we got a plan to make some dough #
# Left, right Left, right ##
Looking good. This is gonna be a piece of cake.
'Panky, me and Porky got an idea.
- Keep it. You might need it when you grow up. - Otay.
Hey, maybe this will work.
Let's go.
Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls!
Enter if you dare! See the weird freak of nature!
- Even science can't explain it! - lt's a really good show!
Step right up and witness this hideous mutant!
- Amazing! - lncredible! - Come on, everybody!
Four-foot man-eating chicken!
Hey, folks, we need to make some money!
Gimme a quarter! Five dollars! Anything!
we need to build a new clubhouse!
Just hurry, hurry, hurry!
People, people! we need your money!
You there, kid! wanna come in?
At least people are ridin' the rides.
[ Spanky ] Please go in.
- l will not think of Darla. - [ Pencil Scratching ]
l will not think of Darla!
l will not think of Darla.
- [ whines ] - [ Sighs ] Maybe Spanky's right.
Huh?
- Maybe l should just forget about love. - [ Snorts ]
Dang, l'm outta paper.
[ Barks ]
- [ Footsteps ] - [ whines ]
No, not that kind of paper!
[ Barks, Panting ]
[ whines ]
Thanks, Petey.
[ Gasps ]
Skunked by that sleazy sidewinder Spanky!
lt's his fault Darla hates me!
[ whines ]
[ Engine Starts ]
- [ Barking ] - Hop in, Petey!
Sit!
Come on, Spanky. So things didn't quite pan out.
''Didn't quite pan out''? we have less money than when we came!
[ Stymie ] l thought the talent show was supposed to be free.
[ Gasping ]
- [ Stymie ] Look at all that money! - what's goin' on?
we just put up the sign and people started payin' us.
Buckwheat, Porky, you're geniuses.
[ Together ] Th-a-a-anks!
Look, how 'bout if l take over and give you guys a break?
[ Together ] Otay!
Hmm. Money, money.
[ woman ] Spanky McFarland!
[ Gasps ] Miss Crabtree!
l would expect this from a four-year-old, but not from you!
Spanky, tricking people out of their money is wrong.
lt's just like cheating on your homework.
- But l-- - what are we to do with all this money?
we can't give it back to these people one by one.
Um, Miss Crabtree, l got a suggestion.
[ whispering ] what we could do is--
lnteresting.
lntriguing.
- l love it. - [ Sinister Chuckling ]
- [ Audience Applauding ] - [ Man ] whoo! Nice suit, kid!
# ''L'' is for the way you look #
# At me #
# ''O'' is for the only one #
# l see #
# ''V'' is very, very #
# Extraordinary #
# Now, ''E'' is even more #
# Than anyone that you adore #
# And love #
# ls all that l can give to you #
# Love is more than just a #
- [ Snap, Snap ] - # Game for two #
# Two in love can make it #
# Take my heart but please don't break it #
# Love #
# was made for me and you ##
Dang.
- ## [ Song Finishes ] - [ Laughter ]
[ Audience Applauding ]
- Miss Crabtree, do you got room for just one more act? - we could squeeze you in.
- Thanks, Miss Crabtree! - You're welcome.
well, fellas, the president saved your bacon.
l convinced Miss Crabtree to use the money...
as first prize in the go-cart derby.
[ Rascals Cheering ]
Just think, in three days, the money's ours.
Everything else may have gone wrong...
but there's no way we can lose the race.
Yeah!
- The Blur belongs to Butch. - And woim.
well, if it isn't Falafel.
- Alfalfa! - whatever.
l hope you didn't miss my duet with Darla.
You call that a duet?
lt was stupendous.
She wasn't bad either.
- # Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin' # - what on Earth are you doing?
l'm warmin' up my vocalizer.
l'm about to win Darla back through song.
# l'm the barber #
# Of Seville #
# Figaro, Figaro, Figaro #
Don't you get it? Darla can't stand you.
Alfalfa, you're on.
Darla will love me after l sing to her.
Darla can't resist my voice. She said so herself.
Come on, dear.
- [ Audience Applauds ] - [ Petey Snorts ]
- [ Rascals Gasping ] - This is a song about a tragic romance.
l once fell in love with a girl...
and through schemes and betrayals by my best friend...
she came to think l was nothin' more...
than a He-Man woman-Hater.
- But l'm a woman-lover! - Uhh!
So let me raise a toast to the girl l love most...
in the whole world.
- Please don't say my name. Please don't say my name. - Darla.
- Ohh. - [ Kids Laughing ]
- [ Gulps ] - [ Laughing Continues ]
## [ Piano ]
- [ Off-Key ] # lf l could make a wish # - [ Rascals Groaning ]
- # l think l'd pass # - [ Audience Laughing ]
- [ Gasping ] - # Can't think of anything l need #
- [ Gasping ] - [ Howls ]
- # No cigarettes, no sleep # - l'm gonna put that fool out of his misery!
- # No lights, no sound # - [ Laughing Continues ]
- # Nothing to eat, no books to read # - [ Bubbles Popping ]
- # Sometimes # - [ Nervous Chuckle ]
# All l need is the air that l breathe #
[ Burps ] # And to love you #
- And... whoa! - [ Pop ]
- # All l need is the air that l breathe # - [ Petey Groans ]
# Yes, to love you #
- # All l need is the air that l breathe # - [ Spanky Grunts ]
[ Grunts ] # And to love you ##
- Oh, l hate you, Alfalfa. - [ Smattering Of Applause ]
- Dang! - Hee-hee!
[ Laughter, Applause Continues ]
- [ Spanky ] Hey! - well, hello, Mr. Bubbles!
That was the most disgusting display...
of she-man woman-loving l've ever seen!
- [ Rascals Agreeing ] - Don't talk to me, you Benedict Arnold!
You-- You Judas Priest!
This is all your fault!
- All my fault? - You torched the clubhouse.
And it's all my fault?
Say, you're supposed to be guarding the go-cart, you Muzak-warbling wimp!
Relax, you double-crossing mud-muncher!
l parked it right over there!
lt was right here!
- well, where is it? - Boy, you're messin' up left and right!
That's it, you sissified tweety-bird!
- l wish l had a club to throw you out of! - [ Stymie ] Me too!
well, you sewage-swigging slimeball...
- [ Gasps ] - if there still was a club, l'd quit!
- [ Porky ] Good! - Hmph!
- what a wimp. - Yeah.
[ Rascals Laughing ]
# l've had bad dreams #
# And too many times #
# To think that they #
- # Don't mean much anymore # - [ Sighs ]
- [ Chittering ] - # The fine times have gone #
- [ whines, Moans ] - # And left my sad heart #
# And friends #
# who once cared #
# Just walked out my door #
- Go make up with him, Alfalfa. - ## [ Song Continues ]
- You guys have been friends since you were one. - He started it!
And you should finish it.
You're a team, like Bert and Ernie...
Superman and Clark Kent, Milli and Vanilli.
At least go talk to him. what could it cost?
You mean, besides my dignity and pride?
All l know is...
you only make a once-in-a-lifetime buddy...
once in a lifetime.
# And too many times #
# To think that you #
# Could come back again #
# And love has no pride #
# when l call out your name #
- ls Spanky home? - l'm sorry, Alfalfa. Spanky isn't here.
l'm sorry, Spanky. Alfalfa's not here.
- Darn! - Darn!
# l'd give anything #
# To see you again #
[ Spanky ] l thought l'd find you here.
l'm sorry l called you a double-crossing mud-muncher...
and a sewage-swigging slimeball.
l'm sorry l called you a sissified tweety-bird...
and a Muzak-warbling wimp.
l'm sorry l called you a barf-encrusted jumbo jerk.
You didn't call me a barf-encrusted jumbo jerk.
Oh. l guess l was just thinking it.
- l'm sorry about the fire. - l'm sorry about messin' up...
your picnic lunch with Darla.
Maybe l'm sorta responsible for the fire too, a little.
You know, Spanky, l like girls.
lt might even get worse as l get older.
l know you like girls, 'Falf.
The problem is, rules is rules.
But is woman-hating the important thing?
l mean, couldn't we be a club 'cause we like something?
Hmm.
Shoot! without a clubhouse, we don't have a club.
Hey! You guys burned down a clubhouse, not a club!
[ Froggy ] A club is buddies...
- who stick together, no matter what! - Uh-huh!
[ Rascals Yelling ]
l just wish we could still enter the go-cart derby.
But it's impossible.
who says it's impossible?
- [ Barking ] - Every one of us, working together--
Pal, that's all the possible we need!
[ Rascals Cheering ]
[ Rascals Chattering, Yelling ]
we need a hammer... and nails.
- A motor. - [ Chattering Continues ]
[ Spanky ] we need a battery and a chassis...
four axles and a wheel belt.
Somebody get a supercharger.
- Go get it, guys! - [ Barking ] - [ Chittering ]
[ Turning washer Dial ]
- Here, Petey. - [ Barks ]
- Screwdriver. - Screwdriver.
- Ratchet! - Ratchet.
Hey, Uh-Huh, does it stink in there?
Uh-huh!
Monkey wrench!
[ Chittering ]
Ta-dum!
Do us proud, buddy.
You betcha!
[ P.A. Announcer ] Hey, everybody! Don't forget!
Following the go-cart derby, there will be a tiny tot bunny race at 3:30.
Entrants must be five years and under. See you there!
[ woman On P.A. ] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
- welcome to the 73rd annual go-cart derby! - [ Audience Applauding ]
[ Barking ]
[ P.A. Announcer ] Hey, guys, get in your cars!
we're ready to start!
You there, the kid in the blue.
Stop horsin' around. You're gonna break your neck.
How we gonna beat that?
- lt looks like The Blur with a new paint job! - Eccch!
# we're goin' to the race #
# we're goin' to win first place #
- # And you have an ugly face # - [ Giggling ]
[ Yelling ]
- [ Beeping ] - [ Ringing ]
Hi, Dad, it's me.
You're gonna be so proud of me. l'm gonna win this race.
waldo, you're the best son money can buy.
Thanks, Dad.
- l don't have an ugly face. You have an ugly face! - You have an ugly face!
- Your mother has an ugly face!
The race course is marked with arrows...
and it ends right back here where it started from.
Oh, great!
-This is the prize money for the winner. -Okay.
lt's just about $500.
- Just say it's from an anonymous donor. - You got it.
waldo, hurry up. we're late!
Oh, please. we're making an entrance.
- Just sit back, relax and leave everything to moi. - [ Sighs ]
l wonder where A.J. Ferguson is.
l don't know, but l can't wait to meet him.
[ P.A. Announcer ] Okay, guys, this is it. Fasten your seat belts.
well, well. Mr. Johnston. Nice of you to join us.
The last car is finally is position.
well, if it isn't waldo.
All the money in the world is no substitute for hard work and ingenuity.
You lead a rich fantasy life.
Thank you.
- Moron. - what are you doin' with that?
lt's Darla's handkerchief. All great knights ride into battle...
wearing the colors of their lady fair.
l'm not hearing this. l'm not hearing this.
Hey, look! My mom's here!
whoopee.
The first racer to cross the finish line will receive...
this genuine, gold-plated, cubic zirconium-encrusted trophy!
[ Audience Applauding ]
As well as the prize of five hundred dollars!
[ Cheering, Applause Continues ]
Go! Go!
Gentlemen, start your engines!
[ Engines Starting, Revving ]
[ P.A. Announcer ] All right, ready. Steady.
One, two, three, go!
[ Tires Screeching ]
- whoo-hoo! - Yeah! whoo!
Grrr!
[ Tires Screeching ]
String 'em, woim!
- Aaah! Aah! - Oh, no!
Aaaaaah!
- All right! - Yeah!
whoo-ooh-hoo!
Aaaaaah!
You snotwads stole our racer!
Finders keepers, losers... suck!
Ah, bite me!
waldo, l think we have to turn here!
Girls have no sense of direction.
[ Darla ] You know, you're starting to get on my nerves.
Huh? Uh-- Oh!
Ohh!
- [ Horn Beeping ] - [ Spanky ] watch out!
Get out of the way!
- [ Thud ] - Comin' through!
Aaah!
Excuse us! Move!
- [ Thud ] - [ Groaning ]
- You little rascals! - Sorry!
[ Spanky ] 10 points for the old guy!
[ Spanky, Alfalfa Cheering, Laughing ]
[ waldo ] lt's time to lose these losers.
- Atomic batteries to power. - [ Turbines Starting ]
Turbines to speed!
- They're gettin' away! - Hold on to your beanie!
- [ Tires Screech ] - [ whizzing, Clunking ]
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [ Yelling ] - [ Tires Screech ]
Activate rocket boosters!
You idiot! You put them in...
- backwards! - waaaah!
[ Yelling Continues ]
- whoo-hoo! Yee-hah! - [ lmitating Racing Engine ]
[ Spanky, Alfalfa Cheering, Yelling ]
These two again?
l really hate to do this.
Huh?
Yikes! Spikes!
[ Spanky, Alfalfa Yelling ]
[ Yelling Continues ]
Hey! You could've killed them!
Just forget about that soap-sucking nincompoop!
So you're responsible for the bubbles at the talent show!
Pull over right now! l'm not finishing this race with you!
You got it, babe. Now get out.
where in tarnation are we?
Look! we're back in the race!
[ Spanky ] Hey, pretty good shortcut!
Hey, how'd they get here?
Don't worry. This'll fix 'em!
- [ Together ] Yeah! - what's that?
Aaah! Aah! [ Coughing ]
we can't see! [ Coughing ]
- [ Spanky ] where are we? - [ Alfalfa ] Aaaah! Help!
- [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Coughing ]
- what's goin' on? - [ Coughing ] l can't see!
[ Yelling, Coughing Continue ]
[ Alfalfa ] My eyes! l can't see!
Hey, mind your own business, rich boy!
- [ Coughing ] - what a guy!
Thanks, pal!
Aah! Aah! Aaah!
Grab the wheel!
Are you crazy? we got a finish line to cross!
- Not without this! - You're nuts!
- whoa! - watch out! You're gonna fall!
Aaaah!
[ Alfalfa Yelling ]
l'm gonna fall off! Hold my feet! Aaaah!
[ Alfalfa Yelling Continues ]
- [ Cheering ] - Aaaaaah!
- [ Alfalfa Yelling ] - [ Yelling ]
Grrrr!
- [ Spanky ] Hold on! we're almost there! - [ Alfalfa Yelling ]
[ Audience Cheering ]
winner by a hair! Yes!
- [ Cheering ] - [ Barking ]
[ Chittering ]
You did it, Alfalfa! You won!
we did it! All of us!
- [ Both Grunting Loudly ] - Gentlemen, let's give Alfalfa a big...
''Spoley-oley''!
[ Rascals ] Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley!
- Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! Spoley-oley! - Thank you.
- [ Spoley-oleys Continue ] - Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you--
lt ain't right!
we go through all the trouble of stealing your racer...
and you still win!
Better brace yourself, because now l'm really gonna kick your butt!
l'm usually a lover, not a fighter...
but in your case l'm willin' to make an exception.
Pig puckey!
[ whimpering ] Allow me!
- Looking good, man. - [ Rascals ] Yeah!
Hey, there's the guy who risked his neck for us!
l gotta admit, he turned out to be pretty okay, darn it.
Put it there, pal. You're quite a guy.
Us machismo types have a club--
The He-Man woman-Haters Club.
Alfalfa, l'm extending a membership offer here.
- Now, what is it? - That's not waldo!
You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
Then who's this guy who saved our butts?
Hi, guys. what's up?
A girl! Ohh! [ Gasps ]
well, don't that beat all.
[ Giggling ]
Spanky!
[ woman ] Now it gives me great pleasure to present this beautiful trophy...
and the prize money...
to Alfalfa Switzer and Spanky McFarland.
- [ Cheering ] - [ Barking ]
ls that a cowlick, or are you just glad to see me?
- [ Audience Laughing ] - [ Sighs ]
Ah, the strong, silent type, eh?
Don't take this personal, lady, but my pal's real disappointed.
Ohh! what's the matter, sugar pie?
well, we were just kinda hopin' that...
A.J. Ferguson was gonna give us the trophy.
well, boys, today's your lucky day.
'Cause that's exactly who l am!
- [ Gasping ] - [ Gasping ]
You're the best driver there is!
well, thank you very much! You didn't do so bad yourself!
- [ Gasps ] - [ Gasping ]
Say, let's even things up. How 'bout one on this side?
- [ Laughing ] - [ Audience Laughing ]
- There ya go! [ Laughs ] - [ Audience Applauding, Cheering ]
[ Rascals Chattering, lndistinct ]
- [ Boy ] what a great race! - [ Barks ]
l saw what you did to save my hanky, Alfalfa.
That was very heartwarming.
And awfully romantical.
Gee, thanks, but l thought you hated me.
l don't hate you. lt's just sometimes you do mean things...
like playing tricks on me at our picnic.
Uh, l can explain that.
lt was me who wrecked your picnic with Alfalfa.
You see, l thought you was tryin' to steal my best friend.
l thought you were tryin' to sabotage our club.
But l think l was wrong.
l'm sorry, you guys.
My Alfalfinator!
My delectable Darlooney!
[ Rascals Chattering, Laughing ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
- So, do you live around here? - Yeah.
Do you like dolls?
- Mm-mmm. - Mm-mmm. - l do!
Cool.
- [ Chittering ] - [ Spanky ] Say!
Have we betrayed our forefathers?
Have we trampled on the generations of honest woman-haters...
- [ Giggles ] - who came before us?
- Uh-uh. - Huh?
- [ All Gasping ] - Hey, everybody!
- Uh-Huh's learned a new word! - [ All Gasping ]
Actually, l've always had a rather extensive vocabulary...
not to mention a phenomenal grasp of grammar...
and a superlative command of syntax.
l simply chose not to employ them.
- [ Barks ] - [ All ] Ohhh-tay!
[ Rascals Laughing, Cheering, Yelling ]
well, l guess things just have to change sometimes.
[ whines ]
what's my line?
# whoa, you know, you know you know, you know #
- # You must've been a beautiful baby # - whoa!
# You must've been a beautiful child #
- # when you was only startin' to go to kindergarten # - Hmm? what?
- # l bet you drove the other kids wild # - Oop!
# Yeah, and when it come to winnin' blue ribbons #
# l bet you taught the other kids how #
# l could see the judge's eyes when they handed you the prize #
- [ Director ] Let's start over again. - l don't-- [ Hic ] want to!
- You don't want to? - No-- [ Hic ] No.
- You got the hiccups? Okay, cut. - Ye-- [ Hic ] Yes.
- l used to have this-- - [ Director ] Don't worry !
l forgot the words! [ Giggles ]
- [ Director ] what are you doing? - [ lmitating woody woodpecker ]
Hmm!
Oh!
- [ Giggles ] - what a relief!
- Yuck! - Ooh!
Allow me to introduce myself.
- what an idiot. - watch it, bud.
[ Both Giggling ]
You have the most-- And--
[ Director ] Don't look at the camera, sweetie. Don't look at the camera.
Don't look at the camera. Don't look at the camera.
Brittany, stop lookin' at the camera, please.
- # You must've been a beautiful child - Brittany!
# when you was only startin' to go to kindergarten #
# l bet you drove the other kids wild #
- # And when it come to winnin' blue ribbons # - l winded my ear up.
# l bet you taught the other kids how #
# l could see the judge's eyes when they handed you the prize #
# l bet you'll be the cutest #
# You must've been a beautiful baby #
- # But, baby, won't you look at you now # - [ Barks ]
The race course is marked off with arrows.
And it'll start-- lt'll end.
Thank you. And it will end.
Paper or plastic?
And it will end-- And it ends--
lt ends. Right. l knew l'd find it somewhere.
That is bad popcorn. [ Chuckles ]
# You must've been #
# A beautiful child #
# when you was only startin' to go to kindergarten #
# l'll bet you drove the other childs wild #
- Cut. - # when it comes to winnin' blue ribbons #
You'll tell me when-- we're not going yet--
- [ Director, lndistinct ] - Okay.
The race course is marked off with arrows.
lt ends right back here where it started from.
- [ Director ] And cut. - [ Man ] Cutting.
- l finally got that sucker. - [ Together ] Otay!
# Baby #
# Take a look at you now #